For couples who make decisions about joint labor, it is now more or less clear why dad is needed at birth, what are his functions. But the question of how he will behave at a crucial moment, what his condition will be, still worries many - both moms and dads themselves, for whom the upcoming birth experience is the first.
Begins inquiries with the experience of friends and acquaintances in a typical scenario: "Didn’t you faint?", "Was it terrible?", "Completed something there?". To which we receive in response papin's full pride: “Of course! And he understood, and helped, and was at his best!”
Ah, this couple has everything behind, and their stories are richly flavored with the taste of victory and decorated with festive ribbons in honor of the appearance of the heir. They are more than subjective, although their wives are well supported by the vigorous spirit of the Pope. And this is very important.
And it is equally important to have an idea of what emotions and behavior precede the overwhelming delight and sense of victory. Let's try to describe them.
The source of the information contained in this article is the observation of popes in real situations, i.e. childbirth, disinterested observer: I, participating in childbirth as a professional assistant, at the same time become a witness to the participation in the process of the pope.
What can I see? I just want to say that the pride of the fathers and the gratitude of the mothers are not at all groundless - all the fathers give birth to “5+”, always doing the best they can. Help, and in some cases simply the presence of the pope in childbirth is priceless (we are talking about couples who planned joint birth as a suitable option for themselves).
But it happens that father's behavior does not coincide with my mother's expectations. And from here already half a step to insults and disappointments. To avoid such a situation, it is worth forming realistic expectations or not creating them at all.
Ideally, the mother’s readiness for childbirth should be such that she feels self-sufficient. Give birth to her. It should always be borne in mind that dad on the day of birth may be unexpectedly neutralized by circumstances: get very sick, for example (God forbid, of course) or be far from the city. And what to do? Do not give birth? But childbirth is not waiting.Therefore, the fulcrum of a woman giving birth should be only on herself. And my father's help in a prosperous (and they, of course, most) case will be perceived as additional and therefore even more pleasant bonuses.
One of the essential functions of the pope in the maternity hospital is the organization of cooperation with the staff, taking into account the rights and desires of the wife.
Mom, knowing that she will be completely captured by the process, expects that her man will provide her with maximum protection and solve all external issues. Dad will ask the doctor to wait with the inspection until the end of the ongoing fight, find out the safety and actual need of the proposed intervention, insist on a pose for childbirth, convenient for the woman in labor, remind that the baby with the umbilical cord is immediately put on the mother, etc. Who, if not him?
But before you expect your father to be confident in solving organizational issues, remember how he behaves in such situations in life: does he easily express his point of view in contacts with important people, does he not give up at the first signs of pressure, does he know how to promote his needs conflict-free, not inclined to shift the responsibility to significant uncles and aunts?
There is no reason to assume that during birth a man will behave differently than in life. Is that the birth from the first moments will be for him a revolution in personal growth. But you can't count on it muchThink carefully togetherwhat exactly your man can really provide for you, and count only on that. Dad should not ruffle and promise unbearable. Concentrate on real-world tasks.
In addition, it is always worth remembering that childbirth is a non-standard situation, and even a very lively and enduring dad may at some point get confused or just simply forget to say or do something. Anyway, I'm sure - he did the best he could at that moment.
What about emotional involvement?
It is very important to support and encourage mother in childbirth in time, and most men cope with this task perfectly - the experience gained over the years of living together makes itself felt :-) But mom's father is not always happy with father's help. Especially if she expects not of encouragement, but ... pity: "behold, look at everything, how difficult and bad it is for me!" And then the surprise - do not regret! Even those dadswho in life are prone to regret, they suddenly take a constructive position of support: "you can, everything works out, you need to work, I'm with you" And this is right. In childbirth there is no place for self-pity and whining. This is too important work for such entertainment. And that father, who is being led to full prayer by words and glances, renders to his wife and - most importantly! - to his heir a disservice. Childbirth is difficult and intensive work for a woman, but the search for pity will make it not easier, but longer and harder. So, mom is purposeful, and dad supports her in this and saves from sliding into pity.
Often moms are worried about what daddy has to see and how it will affect his state of health and later life. But these concerns are almost groundless (again, this is about a prepared and independently decided on the participation of a man).
The condition of the birth stream, peculiar to all participants of the childbirth process, varies considerably in perception, thanks to which what the father sees in the birth is perceived much easier and more naturally than, for example, when viewed on TV.“Ugliness” and “unusualness” of my mother’s appearance, behavior, states are simply not noticed, and if they are noticed, they are perceived as a common thing and do not cause any special emotions.
By the way, often, being afraid of traumatic events in advance, couples agree that papa will not go to the hospital, but will only help in prenatal. Practice shows that very few dads remain behind the doors of the birth room - most very organically move there after the wife, forgetting about their fears completely :-) In addition, they not only stop being afraid to see something, but also start to look! And then talk about the miracle and incredibly bright experiences at the time of birth of the child.
So, fears to be overly impressed are unfounded. But there are other reasons for my father's emotions, which by training couples are often out of sight.
The fact is that a man is essentially an active person, oriented more toward activity than waiting. Childbirth, requiring exceptional patience and ability to restrain their impulses that could prevent, for the true male principle to become a serious test.And it is good if dad succeeds in applying himself in an active massage or joint breathing. And if not? If mom doesn't need help? Forced passivity (after all, approving views and sometimes (rarely) words are difficult to consider activity) requires that the pope has a special ability to find his place and be relaxed.
It would have helped a sandwich and a newspaper, leisurely read somewhere in the corner :-), but few people are able to relax to such an extent as to read in the presence of a woman in labor, even the most ideal childbirth and self-sufficient. Therefore, in a situation where the mother does not need help and asks to move away from her, you can stay nearby and duplicate her behavior - breathe in the fight and get limp and rest between. Such activity of the pope should be less obvious than her mother's (so as not to distract), but at the same time close to synchronicity. Looking at the parturient woman is also not necessary, do it as if you breathe, move and relax, doing a common work. Duplication of my mother's behavior gives a feeling of inclusion without unnecessary activity. Just do it the way it is, much better than not finding a place for yourself and with this.
If the mother’s help is required, then there is no forced inaction — it makes father's condition easier. But there is a need for my mother's desire and need - to feel, as if - to guess, and this is already a task. Well, she does not want to talk. And can not. And you need to do something. And not just something, but something that will help and be comfortable. And again, the father needs to find in himself the qualities of the feminine - sensitivity, intuition, the ability to get used to the experiences of another. And it turns out, but it will be useful to practice the sensitivity of the father to my mother's non-verbal cues even during pregnancy.
At the moment of birth and the first sounds of the baby, dad is overwhelmed with strong emotions, often finding a way out in tears and a desire to shout to the whole World about their happiness. Of course, dads do not allow themselves to shout, but to sob and shed tears - aha. Do not look at him at such moments, let him have no reason to be ashamed of his sensitivity and open heart.
Childbirth changes any person. Dad had the opportunity to rethink a lot, to learn to feel more deeply, to love, to use both male and female qualities in a timely manner.Deep gratitude to you, Father, for your important role in creating, bearing and giving birth to a new Life.