When a woman in anticipation of the baby, it seems the worst thing that can be - to lose it. It is terrible to think about how to survive a miscarriage. But even worse - how to survive the death of a child.
It is impossible to understand and accept. But you need to live with it. Elina Semenenko lost the baby. She coped with the pain and found the strength to live on. In her article, Elina tells how to survive the death of a child and learn how to live.
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Heavy topic. Some time ago you went pregnant, everyone "flirted" with your tummy, smiled at him, chirped. Or ... another situation - you have a son or a beautiful daughter. To the delight of all. So many plans, hopes, admiration! How much is ahead! And so ... an accident, a disease and ... it is no more! Not. Wildness bordering on madness ...
And now, when you feel at least a little better, a casual acquaintance asks on the street: “so, are you growing up?” Or “how is your son (daughter)?” - AAAAAAAAAA! Hears the answer. Silence. Hugs. Crying. Or, hiding his eyes, trying to translate the topic.Then he leaves, soon forgets and is already smiling. And you again experience everything anew, cry again and again refuse to live.
It so happened in our society that it is not customary to speak on these topics. It is customary to talk about politics, the economy, about someone's personal life, but not about his own, internal, especially personal. Because it hurts. Because there is nothing to say. These conversations will not bring dividends. Words are meaningless.
Psychotherapists and psychologists are not popular in our country. We did not get along. Maybe because we are fighters in spirit, we are used to fighting with our problems, failures and winning, and sometimes ... not winning. Therefore, we have the largest number of suicides.
All that is written here is not hypocritical words of comfort, this is a first-person story. She answers the eternal question: is there life after death? If you are on the verge of a precipice, please stop reading this article to the end! Just read!
A little bit about yourself. I am 26 years old. Almost two months ago I lost my first child - my son left at the age of four months. He left meekly and quietly, in the intensive care unit, after the third surgery, without breathing on his own ... Think for a minute! The child died. It sounds almost unreal!
I look wildly around, catching on myself the curious glances of people. And I read in them - the horror ... of the unreality of what is happening, people are not in themselves uncomfortable with the terrible combination of words in their heads: the child is dead! Mom and dad, who should buy the baby romper, vest, toys, be happy that he grows, smiles, squeezes his father's finger, in a complete misunderstanding of what is happening choose a baby coffin. And a cushion to sleep better ...
I was standing in the store, choosing clothes on my last journey, and in my head I thought: you have to choose warmer so that he does not freeze ... And here he is so small, with plump lips, eyes closed, tiny hands and legs lying in her last cradle. As if alive, its own, but already a little detached-alien ...
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I breathe in - exhale, inhale - exhale ... So naturally and simply these breaths are given to us ... no effort. We can breathe loudly, we can quietly, we can hold our breath and not breathe at all for a while, knowing that at any moment we are breathing again ... We can choose for ourselves whether we can breathe or not ... In general, each of us has a choice. And he was deprived of choice.
All 4 months he experienced a terrible lack of air .... He did not have enough air, and he cried ... he cried day and night, asking the world for the simplest and most necessary - oxygen. He cried, not understanding his childhood consciousness, who, why, and for what does not allow him to breathe ... I am much older, wiser, more experienced, but by making the most incredible efforts of my mind, I still cannot understand: why did everyone and everyone on Earth have enough air, but he, a little and not innocent, did not get this simple O2?
Why were 4 months old if he still had to die? Who decided? What power is so cruel and cynical that it is able to decide what will be exactly like that and in no other way? Who is authorized to simply take away my most precious thing without asking for permission? Who are you, called the Merciful God? Are you punishing me? For what?
I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t kill anyone, I didn’t live in dismay, I didn’t commit mortal sins, why did you punish me? I fall into a state of anger, pain, turning into despair ... I want to run away ... Tear my hair and scream, staring at the sky: how could you? Take me, take it with him!
STOP!!!! Stop - I speak to myself firmly and calmly.This is a dead end road. Please stop!!!!! Please think before stepping into the abyss, do not deprive yourself of the chance to be happy again !!!! - persuade myself ... Just try ...
The situation has the color that we give it. “We are the blacksmiths of our happiness,” they taught me as a child. Yes, it hurts terribly. Heavy. No words. But ... Life can and should be.
Here are some arguments for life ... after death.
The first thing to start in this situation is to remove the blame from yourself.
Guilt is a self-defense feeling. Blaming ourselves and others for what happened, we try to survive. Because otherwise the fault can just crush. Guilt is unrealized responsibility. It seems to us that we could change something.
We ask ourselves: why exactly with me? What have I done wrong in my life? Each of these questions is a trap. No matter how long we tortured ourselves: for what? why? - no one will ever give an answer to them. Take responsibility for everything that happened.
Consider: you are not to blame for anything. You already did the maximum! All that is possible, and even that which is impossible. The rest happened without your participation, and in general without human participation.
The truth is that in the life of every person there comes a moment when he will have to accept: any resistance is meaningless. Circumstances are stronger, bigger. It touches death. It has long been said: before death, everyone is equal. The king and the slave, the rich and the poor ...
It just happened. THIS was inevitable. Take it for granted. With a healthy share of fatalism. No charges.
“We all stand in line for death ...” His time just came a little earlier. On a universal time scale, we were all born and will die on about the same day.
Find your method to cope with pain
This should be a method working in pure consciousness mode. Reception of alcohol, other psychotropic substances, even soothing - it is better to exclude. They affect the psyche, oppressing it. It creates a false picture of the world, a kind of "swing." Under the influence of alcohol, we dive to the "lowest" point of the swing. When alcohol “lets go”, the mental state reaches the limit - the highest point of the “swing”. The pain intensifies.
The pain must find a way out. For some, it is communication, for someone - tears, for someone - travel, for someone - work, for someone - the church.
In my case - poems and faith. In any case, this should be a constructive, not a destructive activity.
Thank all those who, directly or indirectly, were with you in this difficult life situation. To do this, take a sheet of paper. Fill it in the name of each, and next to write down - what exactly was the help. Let the doctors be on this list (even if in your understanding they aggravated the situation). On my list was a doctor working in intensive care. He always said something terrible to me about the condition of the child, while others were trying to give hope.
In the thank-you list in front of his name, I wrote: “Dear doctor (I do not even know his name)! Thank you for being honest with me. Thanks to you, I was internally prepared for this terrible news. Thank you for believing in me, knowing that I can move THIS. ”
Do not forget anyone! Look at how huge this list is! And how many names we have not specified? This could be unnamed nurses, and doctors, or just people empathizing with people who, perhaps, prayed for our children. This is an invisible army of well-wishers who stands behind us and is ready to support in difficult times.If this situation had not happened - could we even have guessed that we were so loved ?!
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Find the pros of pain
And here we come to the most important thing - take a piece of paper again and write the positive aspects of your pain. Remember about fatalism, about the fact that nothing is taken from nowhere and goes nowhere. Scars on our body from diseases, burns, surgeries, etc. - a reminder of this.
Even if the memory forgets - the body will remember. The memory of the body will not allow you to take up the hot kettle again and burn your hand ... Therefore, accept your pain as a natural process. It performs its positive function. So, without pain, there would be no idea of happiness. What a joy when the tormented headache finally stops!
Your pain has its positive aspects, its advantages. Some, for example, the pain is very close. If this disease brought you closer to your partner, thank her for it! If you divorced - thank me too!
They say a friend is known in trouble. So with this person - you are not on the way. Read your thank-you list again.Does it have her majesty's pain? Thank the Pain for coming. What does she teach? If the first time does not work - set aside until a more convenient time. It will come.
If everything goes easy, you can do the exercise. To do this, close your eyes. Imagine the image of pain. Reach out to her. You can in your own words. Sample text: “Pain, I thank you for coming into my life. I will not hide, you brought me much suffering. But despite this, I respect you. You taught me to appreciate what I have. You opened my heart. You showed me that I can feel that I am a living person. You showed me how many beautiful people surround me. You have revealed the inner rich reserves of my body.
Thanks to you, I realized that I am strong in spirit. I accept you and accept all the lessons that you wanted to convey to me. From now on, I let you go. Let go with gratitude. ”After that, imagine where in your heart is this pain. Imagine it in the form of something material, give it color, smell, appearance, appearance. Then release this pain. Imagine how it leaves your body. In the place where it was located (most often it is a region of the heart), an emptiness was formed. Fill the void with light. Imagine how light flows into your heart, filling the darkness that has formed.If you did everything right, you should feel relieved.
In any case, each of us has its own unique story, for it must have its own methodology. But this is my vision of the situation in general. In my case, the situation was very aggravated by the obsessive thought that the child had left in agony. My situation situation: according to many religions, children themselves in heaven choose their parents to go with them with certain lessons. So, our children were ready for these tests in advance. Maybe these are children of a new formation who feel pain differently, these are strong people of the new generation. Stronger than us, their strong parents. Thanks to our children for being, is and will be in our life. Directly or indirectly. Explicitly or implicitly. But they will.
And finally - in Japan there is a belief: parents who have lost their child go to heaven in the next life. Another belief is God's chosen people. The Lord can trust such a heavy cross only to a very strong person. They believe in you in heaven and here on earth. You must live. And the child, sitting on a cloud, will surely clap there for you, as well as for his future and already living brothers and sisters.